How are you? I hope you don't mind that I am writing you again! I just thought you would be able to give me some sort of direction here. I sent you an email on Tuesday morning I think. I don't think you received but I am not sure.
Anyway, I guess I am a lot calmer now than I was when I wrote the first time...so I guess this is a good thing.
I told my husband about everything, and as you can imagine it did not go well. I can honestly say that I have never felt one week go by so slow. Every night conversation and arguing until 3am...getting up at 5 for work on some days. This is a week that I will NEVER forget!
I ended up making some compromises with him...he asked that I don't go to any meetings or communicate with anyone of any other faith without him being there. And with that he would attend a Christain church with me on Sundays after our service was done. He told me to continue to live my temple covenants and vows until I read the Book of Mormon front to cover. he convinced me that I have been going through the motions my whole life but never really applying myself to the true meaning of everything. I gave in because I questioned if there was something I was truly missing. The list goes on and on, and the painful remarks go deeper and deeper. My last conversation with him was last night. He found my New Believers Bible that was given to me by one of my co-workers. He was dumb founded that for someone searching for so much truth, I was looking at something that someone else wrote. He said that the Bible now had different meaning and that I couldn't read that one to get a true answer. He asked me to throw it away, and tried to tell me to stick to the King James Version. Which I can do, I was just hoping that reading might be a little easier and understandable through this other version. Anyway...I pretty much told him to back off a little. I told him I would stick to the King James Version but that I was going to get one that did not have the BOM intertwined with it. He accepted that, and still hounded.
Jim here is the thing. He is trying so hard to control how I study, and he doesn't understand that I don't want to talk to him about the Bible because his mind is framed to match Mormonism. For instance what do you get from 1 Corinthians chapter 15 verse ??? I can't remember the verse off the top of my head. But it says why are the dead then Baptized if the Dead rise not at all? He saw this as talking about baptism for the dead...what does it talk about? The King James Version I have is hard to know...it looks like it could really be talking about baptisms for the dead? I just don't know how to remain a good wife, and be able to study and ponder with a husband that just doesn't trust me, because I didn't tell him from up front what I was studyng and thinking. He couldn't respect or understand that I needed to study on my own.
I have had oppurtunity after oppurtunity to say I am done with Mormonism. I can say it over and over again, to myself, but when he asks me to just step up to it, because it seems I've already made my decision, and tell the people I love that I'm out, I freeze and I can't do it. What is holding me back? Why is it so hard? I am just hurting right now, because I am emotionally and physically exhausted. And my heart aches, because I can't stand the thought of giving everything up. And everytime I talk to my husband I feel that he is bringing something else up that I need to research. It's like, I know that God is going to take care of me, I know he is. i don't doubt that at all, but I am in this stage of lingo and I can't just let go! I just want TRUTH.
I watched the DNA vs. The Book of Mormon Video...and to me right when I saw it, I was so sure I was done. And then Brady said, your just gonna believe what these guys are saying without studying it yourself? He said could it be possible that there is something else that can lead to some sort of explanation as to why none of the Native Americans have Hebrew blood. What about the jaredites? I don't know...so he kept me in one more time. To me I thought DNA is DNA. It said in the video that we use it today in the court of law for cases. I questioned whether interfamily marriage could effect the outcome. And if it is possible that the chain went on for so long that Hebrew was no longer able to be detected...To me it was evidence and it was solid...how do you question fact. He talked about miracles and maybe the Lord performed some sort of miracle, to test us.
I don't know what to do next. I almost left one night because I couldn't even peacefully sit down and read the bible. I was so frustrated and irritated that I couldn't let the spirit of the Lord comfort me. And he just kept heckling me with questions, and making me feel like I am a bad person because I have decieved my family and that love me and most importantly him for so long. So I almost left. But...he begged me to stay, confessing how much he is hurt and how much he loves me.
What do I do? I'm just seeking suggestions and help. If you have any, please share! I respect what you have to say. I appreciate your willingness to help.
>Sorry it has been so long since I have written...Like I said I tried before and the email didn't go through. That was even after I said I wouldn't communicate with sources other than God, because then he would know that the choices I am making is from me.
Please help...if you can!
I look forward to your response.
And one more from Kyrstal
Thanks for writing to me. Not only do I understand what you are going through, I _feel_ it! I have been in those long, long, long, emotional discussions and the feelings really hurt.
I guess the good news is that the worst is probably behind you. Not that it is going to get easy, but it probably will never be quite so intense again. For one thing, your husband doesn't like it anymore than you do.
Some suggestions. Read the following, two of them are about the the "Baptism for the Dead" issue.
Now as far as your husband is concerned. Here are a few things to chew on. First, you should say to him, that Mormonism's Eleventh Article of Faith states:
"We claim the privilege of worshiping Almighty God according to the dictates of our [own]1 conscience, and allow all men the same privilege, let them worship how, where, or what they may."
This is America. A foundational truth is that _anyone_ has the right to worship God according to the dictates of their _own_ confidence. You cannot put your husband before God. (Read that again).
Having said that, I believe it is just wrong for you to agree not to read or study anything without him being there. Again, your mind is _your_ mind. You certainly have the right to read, study, pray, worship, and think about God without someone standing over you and threatening you. If he doesn't get that, that is _his_ problem, not yours.
The Book of Mormon is a spiritually deceptive thing. It has a seductive power. But, it is from an evil source. God did _not_ tell Joseph Smith all other churches were wrong, all their creeds were abominations, and that all who practice those creeds are corrupt. In fact, today, the Mormon Chruch wants to be accepted _with_ the other churches!
There are things you owe your husband. You owe him that you won't lightly embarrass him publicly. You owe him that you will keep him posted on what you are thinking and where you are going. (Now that the cat is out of the bag). You do _not_ owe him late night arguments that cost you your needed sleep. You don't owe him getting sick just to satisfy him.
Of course, you do not owe him your soul. That is God's and God's alone.
He is frightened. I understand that. He is frightened of losing you. He is firhgtened about what his family and friends will say. He is worried about their opinion of him and his ability to "lead his woman." But those are false values. We do not practice slavery anymore. Nor should you submit to mind control.
You are at a crossroads. You can follow your conscience and still honor and respect your husband.
When I left the Church, I told Margaretta that I was not going to force the children to go to church with me. All I wanted was the right to go and worship God for myself. I thought that since we were married as Mormons, I had made a de facto committment to raise the kids Mormon. I did not think I had the right to take that away from her.
I know you think there will never be peace again. But there _can_ be peace. Whether your husband will allow you to live free and still be his wife is his choice. You offer that to him. You still love him. You still honor the marriage. But you are not married to Mormonism. You were lied to. Any contract you made with Mormonism was made based on false information the Chruch supplied you. (There were no Nephite! Joseph Smith did not see God. Mormonism did not replace all of Christendom.) No contract is valid if one of the parties lies and commits fraud. Which is what Mormonism did to you.
Krystal, this is a time to find comfort in the plain unadulterated Gospel of Christ. I suggest you read the Book of Galatians. It is a short book, but one that speaks to your problem right now. I also recommend the first eight chapters of the Book of Romans.
You might want to call Charolotte Pardee again. And, once again, I suggest, if you can give me a safe mailing address, I'll send you some material. I would like to send you the video "The Mormon Dilemma," and my book "Have You Witnessed to a Mormon Lately?" if you haven't read it online. Also, I have a set of tapes on the Trinity that will be helpful.
If you reamain calm and continue to study the Bible, I know you will eventually sort all this out. The mistake is to say, "It is too much, I can't take it!" Jesus would say to you in many gracious ways, "You _can_ take it." He would say, "I will never leave you nor fosake you." He would say that He won't allow anything to ovetake you without providing a way out.
We with learn to walk with Jesus, even through the valley of the shadow of death, or we walk on are own. There is no path so pleasant that I want to go down it with my friend Jesus to guide me.
Hang in there, my friend. You can make it.